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August 23 2016

stigs-teenage-cousin:

Grand Theft Auto V is a game about an old gay couple who get back together after 9 years and adopt a 25 year old black man

August 18 2016

klefable:

anabundanceofstilinskis:

klefable:

what happens to all your teen angst when you’re 20… like where does it go

they diagnose it as anxiety

when u make a post as a joke and someone gets too real on it and it blows up

August 15 2016

8201 caea 500

August 12 2016

I feel like an NPC character when...

copperbadge:

walkingwhlockian:

I’m on register at work:
~waits patiently behind counter with absent smile until a customer walks close enough and/or shows necessary amount of interest
~has a set script of prompts in my head to follow during transactions
~cheerful yet non-descript customer service voice and can repeat same exact tone infinitely.
~breaking from prompts or skipping through parts may cause minor glitches, such as accidentally repeating the same prompt again or completely skipping necessary ones
~absentmindedly tends to my area using the same five or so actions in a continuous loop until new person arrives
~Abnormally knowledgeable in my craft
~wears same outfit every day
~Nothing unusual phases me
~walking away and coming back is like a brand new interaction. I have little to no memory of you

This explains more than I’m comfortable with about my time as a receptionist.

August 11 2016

thesylverlining:

Please hit audio on. You’re gonna… have a good time.

elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

noneeyewithleftyork:

THERE’S A GUY SCALING THE TRUMP TOWER IN NYC WITH GIANT SUCTION CUPS LIKE A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STUNT AND IM LAUGHING

UPDATE: OKAY SO police are all over and they sent a window washer platform down from the top of the building but it was too far above him so then sent it back up and police just shattered a window slightly above him to try to get him and now he’s moving away from the hole in the window and continuing up he’s been climbing for like an hour now and they cant figure out how to get him down this is so incredible

UPDATE: LOOK AT HIM GO

UPDATE: they just inflated a giant inflatable on 56th street a third of nyc is in gridlock bc of this guy climbing the trump tower i cannOT BELIEVE

UPDATE: he’s on the 18th floor this so surreal

UPDATE: we’re approaching hour 2 of the climb and since the last update he’s made it up at least another 3 floors

UPDATE:  SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF HIM FROM INSIDE THE TOWER

A HERO

update: apparently his name is steve and he’s from virginia

ASCEND, STEVE

UPDATE: they just used suction cups to pull two panes of glass into the building a few floors above him

you know what they always say. you cant fight fire with fire, but you should always fight suction cups with suction cups

UPDATE: HE’S TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM THEM STILL IM CRYING WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK IS 2016????

UPDATE: he keeps trying to move around all the police forces. theres a removed window with officers above him, another one on the right-facing wall beside that, and a scaffolding/window-washing bucket and theyre tryING TO SHOW THE NEWS BUT CLEARLY SPIDER-MAN IS MORE IMPORTANT

this would be funny if he didn’t turn out to be a trump supporter

vortisaurus:

my dad just walked in, asked me “what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?” and left

August 10 2016

Pride and Prejudice Go

sidhebeingbrand:

alriviera:

An app that shows you where there’s a young man in possession of a good fortune who must be in want of a wife

On the radar: 

Gentleman with 5,000 pounds a year
Handsome tragic veteran
Dashing officer of good breeding
Gentleman with 10,000 pounds a year
Liberal-minded heir to a large estate


Your phone buzzes: 

Mr. Collins

August 07 2016

8256 e810 500

thepokemongolife:

We’re ready

problematism:

y’all: there’s strength in being vulnerable uwu

me: good for u i personally love keeping a distance and not getting my heart shattered every three minutes

August 06 2016

mm-imagerie:

do-you-have-a-flag:

technology related sensory memories from my childhood

  • sliding the metal cover on floppy disks
  • the slight resistance of inserting cassette and video tapes
  • ripping off the strips of holed paper off of dot matrix printer paper 
  • rolling the wheel on a disposable camera to take another photo

The heaviness and rubber texture of the roller ball in a computer mouse, and the little ring of lint

Unkinking the curly cord of a telephone while you talked

The -peww sound and slowly fading image of a crt monitor turning off, and then running your finger through the static on the dusty glass

The crunch of opening or closing a plastic Disney vhs cover

The sound effects in kidpix

Extending and collapsing metal antennas and using them as magic wands

August 04 2016

ofgeography:

play-read-write:

just-shower-thoughts:

If Snow White literally had “lips red as a rose, hair black as ebony, and skin white as snow,” she’d look like a walking nightmare.

honestly this sounds like the description of a vampire. Which would also explain how she convinced seven dwarves to let her stay with them. How she could control some animals to do her bidding. How she could sleep for a long time without aging. Why the hunter betrayed the queen for her, and why the queen wanted her heart, so she could be sure she was killed properly. 

the first baby is born in may, and dies in his sleep. the second does not make it to term. the third lives for a year before an unknown illness claims him. the queen pricks her finger on a needle: old magic. blood on snow on an ebony windowsill. the wind carries the the contract, and the woods accept. 

blood now must be repaid with blood later, but the fourth baby is a girl, and she lives.

*

she grows slowly, and out of order. first her hands, long and bony; then her arms, thin, hollow-looking. she never looks quite like a child: no chubby cheeks, no skinned knees, no missing teeth. her hair is thick and so black it sometimes seems viscous. her skin is so thin you should be able to see the blood running through it.

they name her snow white, for the fairness of her skin. so fair that she cries when left in the light too long.

*

the queen dies when snow white is four, still small, and beloved. she is not beautiful, her mouth too painfully red, her eyes too liquid dark, her teeth too pointedly sharp. but only those who do not live in the castle think this. to know the child is to love her. to know the child is to want to please her. to know the child is to know that she is precious.

that she must be protected. that she must be obeyed.

“it is not your fault,” the king whispers to the child on his lip, petting her head. “she was not strong enough. i will make sure you never go hungry.”

the child presses her tiny hand against his cheek. “i know you will,” snow white says.

*

peasants begin to go missing. young boys are snatched from the fields. women are summoned to the castle and never seen again.

“gifts,” her father calls them. “eat. you are too thin.”

the girls are always silent, and the boys always scream. snow white hates it. she wishes they would stop, but she is hungry. she is so hungry. and doesn’t she have the right to survive? isn’t she a child, too?

but her mother’s blood is the only food that ever made her feel full. now she can eat and eat and eat and never feel like she has taken a single bite.

she grows thin. the sun becomes too strong for her to go outside.

“a mother’s blood,” the king muses, and sends his advisors out to find snow white a new one.

*

the kingdom has six queens in six years, but no more peasants go missing. it must be something in the castle, they say. some mold. some terrible illness. something that lingers, and kills you slowly.

but snow white grows healthy regardless. she can be seen, sometimes, on the parapets: in the early years she wears a heavy cloak but as she grows it gets thinner, and then disappears entirely.

she is small, and delicate. her laughter, floating down into the village, is silver and gold and painted in eighth notes. it is said that if you look into her eyes you can see your deepest desire. it is said that she will give it to you. it is said that every time a queen dies it breaks snow white’s gentle heart. she shrinks. she hides away indoors. she becomes frail and cannot leave her bed.

so many queens in so many years. eventually, somebody will notice.

eventually, somebody does.

*

“mirror, mirror, on the wall: who’s the fairest of them all?”

you, my queen.

“there are no others?”

there is one other. but she is young. she was made by the forrest. she doesn’t know what she is.

“another? after all this time? where?”

the kingdom of six queens.

“how strong is her heart?”

she is too young to know for certain. but she when she is hungry, she has always been fed.

*

snow’s new mother arrives on horseback. her lips are red as blood, her hair as black as ebony, her skin as fair as–snow’s. 

she marries the king and they spend the night in his chamber. this has never happened before. snow white does not understand. she is hungry. she always gets fed, the very first night. she always gets blood on her gown.

but her father stays in his chamber and does not come out. in the morning, his eyes are hazy and he does nothing but smile. her new mother’s teeth are red.

snow white waits. she isn’t starving yet. surely her father will snap out of it and feed her.

*

“today?” snow white asks, and her father pats her head.

“i will find you a peasant boy,” he says. “a strong one. your favorite kind.”

“that is not my favorite,” snow white tells him. she frowns. he has never told her no before. he, and everyone else, has always done exactly what she wanted. “father, i am hungry. you promised i would never be hungry again.”

she begins to cry, and the hazy look leaves him. he falls to his knees, her face between his hands. “of course,” he murmurs, “of course, tonight, i’ll send her. i don’t know why i didn’t before. i don’t know what i was thinking. tonight.”

snow white kisses his cheek. her red lips leave a print.

*

her new mother does not come. in the morning, her father’s eyes are hazy once again.

*

“father,” snow white begs.

“i promise,” he answers, but he is weak, every night he gives in to weakness because her new mother does not come. snow white is hungry. snow white grows thin. snow white cannot go out into the sun.

*

at last, her new mother comes. she has a plate of food: vegetables, fruit, and a slab of meat.

“eat,” her new mother murmurs. she perches on the edge of the bed.

snow white shuffles away from the sunlight coming through the window. “i’m not hungry,” she says.

“but you must be hungry,” her mother says, smiling. she reaches out to chase the edge of snow’s jaw. “you haven’t eaten in weeks. not even a peasant boy.”

snow white looks up, startled. “they aren’t filling,” snow white says.

“no,” agrees her new mother. “i agree. i prefer kings, when i can get them.”

“i prefer mothers.”

“i am not your mother.”

“then what are you?”

her smile is slow and bitter red. “my mother made the woods a promise, and the promise was me. she did not know that promises must be paid in blood, and sustained in blood, and that the blood was also me. she got what she wanted, and i ate until i was as full as a human could make me.”

“are there others? like you? …. like me?”

“there were,” the queen says. “once, there were many of us, and all of us were starving.”

snow white does not yet understand. “then what happened? where did they go? how did you survive?”

the queen runs a finger along the fabric of snow white’s blanket. her nail rips a line through the thread. “humans are weak, snow white. a thousand of them would not be enough to fill us up. but we are strong. our hearts can sustain a body for a hundred lifetimes.”

her teeth grow long. “i have been hungry for such a long time,” she says. 

snow white understands.

she runs.

*

it hurts: her skin is so hot it is nearly on fire. her feet blister as she runs. she has never been outside of the castle grounds, but the woods are dark and shaded. the shade is like jumping into a pool of water. the red bleeds from her skin, leaving her fair and white once more.

she hides inside the hollow of a tree (the woods created her and the woods will keep her safe until her mother’s debt is paid). she sleeps while the hunting parties pass her by, all but one. he is a huntsman. he knows the woods. he knows the woods have favorites, and protect them; but the woods are old and can be tricked.

he waits.

when she emerges, it is dark. her skin is so white he almost wants to drink it. she is small, her hair so black he thinks she has woven the night sky into it. as he notches his bow he thinks it seems a shame to kill something so beautiful, something so beloved by the woods. the huntsman is loved by the woods, too. he knows how its favorites suffer.

she turns to look at him. when their eyes meet he sees his deepest desires. her eyes promise to give it to him. we are the chosen, her eyes promise, as she approaches and he does not shoot. cannot shoot. cannot look away.

“i am so hungry,” she whispers, reaching out to touch his face. “my father hasn’t fed me.”

“she wants your heart,” the huntsman confesses.

snow white knows that already. snow white is beginning to understand the bargain that her mother made.

“she cannot have it,” snow white says, and her teeth get long, and she eats.

*

“mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

you, my queen. but not for long.

*

part two

August 01 2016

8277 0c43

appropriately-inappropriate:

quakerjoe:

There has NEVER been a point in US history where not ONE of the living, former Presidents did NOT support the candidate of their party. ALL the current, living former presidents and the incumbent do NOT support Trump. 

You know it’s bad when the first bi-partisan agreement in eight years is ‘don’t vote for that fuckhead"

July 31 2016

July 30 2016

los-york-new-angeles:

UNMUTE PLEASE

8308 450e 500

thatsthat24:

sparksparta:

Inspiration struck thanks to @thatsthat24‘s newest vine! I love your work!! I hope your day is a great one!

THIS IS AMAZING!!! OMG I am so in love with this, thank you!!!!

actualhawke:

in hindsight i never had a gay cousin so i really should have known it was gonna be me all along

Germany's central defenders (6'4 and 6'6) bending down to talk to their captain (5'6)

blasphemous-lies-and-deceit:

krem-de-le-creme:

thesmilingfish:

gritsinmisery:

1980sbusinesswoman:

punlich:

One time I used my retail voice on a coworker and she was like, “Don’t use your customer voice on me, I know you’re dead inside like the rest of us, it’s just frightening and weird”

The other day I asked for a table for two in my customer voice and the waitress squinted at me and I cleared my throat and said “Sorry, still in service mode” and she dropped hers and we swapped stories about our day and my boyfriend was like “You two just became two entirely different people in like .5 seconds…”

I can be bitching up a blue streak about a customer-from-hell while the store is empty, and when the phone rings swap over to my retail voice practically in mid-sentence. I even have managers and salespeople from other stores in the chain fooled into thinking I’m infinitely friendly and helpful, and my manager’s husband thinks I’m one of the most professional people in the store. One assistant manager’s daughter dubbed me Perky-Pants because she mostly dealt with me over the phone, and was shocked to the core when I dropped an F-bomb at her graduation picnic.

The acting required in the service industry is beyond the pale. My cousin freaked out when she came to see me at work because I was all smiling and nice while helping someone who was asking inane questions and who basically forced me to walk them to the product and put it in their fucking hand but I was nice as pie until I turned around to walk away and my demeanor changed back to normal and I muttered “what a fucking moron” under my breath as I got back to my cousin. She just looked at me shocked and said “no wonder you’re so exhausted when you get home.” 

this is actually referred to as emotional labor in criminology, and is considered one of the hardest forms of labor

The art of bullshit is strong in the service industry 

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